very expensive babysitter

today i am a very expensive babysitter... i am sitting outside the room of a patient, watching, waiting for him to impulsively jump out of bed without regard to his many IV lines attached to his chest. at which time, i too will jump, don my yellow gown, mask, and gloves, and assist him to his commode chair (hopefully before he has had an accident). my patient is a grown man, slightly confused. when asked this morning where he is, he responded in all seriousness with "the parliament building." and because he is currently slightly unsafe on his feet and unaware in his mind, i am his right hand woman. and i am BORED. it could be worse. but seriously, i just want to be on vacation.



today is my last shift before more than two weeks off. cole and i leave for switzerland on monday for a quick rendezvous in the mountains. after a few solo days, we will meet up with my parents to tour my dad's home town of disentis. should be quite relaxing - drinking coffee and eating cheese fondue, going on walks on tiny trails behind the most beautiful and melodic cows (the bells, not the moos). in some ways, this is a celebration of sorts. cole has finished his didactic year of PA school. we have survived our first year together. as of august 18th, we have lived together for one month and lived to tell the tale. and in some ways this is a brace-yourself-for-the-next-year trip. cole starts rotations all over the state when we return and i head back to the grind. what a summer it has been!



i haven't written here much. i'm not sure if it's been because i was unmotivated or too busy. perhaps uninspired by my patients and or experiences here. my favorite patient, the saline gal, well... i have good news about her. i sent her home about three weeks ago. i walked her out to the garage myself. the first breath of fresh air was shocking and tearful. and my very biggest hope is that she only gets better each day!

moving day!

yesterday was a strange work day in the very best way...

i got standby at 9:30!  the charge nurse, who is a friend of mine, decided we were overstaffed and that if i wanted, i could leave work, be on-call, and then return at 3:00 when we would become understaffed.  of course, i would have to pick up different patients at 3 (which meant losing my favorite 27 year old gal).  but it was worth it for me.  her response, "you can't go" said with a wine.  and then a "good luck with the move christa."

cole was going to do the walk-thru and get our keys to our very first place together ALONE.  and of course, i was sad about it.  but in all this moving debacle, i am learning, going with the flow is often best.  i am not good at going with the flow.  it is most definitely something i need to work on.  and today especially, as i have movers heaving my most precious belongings and wheeling greasy handtrucks on my beige carpet, i must breathe in and out.  and let go of all control.

getting the keys together to our place was perfect.  our new space, minus all of our belongings, looks very nice and peaceful (in a few hours, it's going to look like a disaster zone).  and cole and i shared fun conversations and kisses.

and at 3, it was back to work.  i cared for two grumpy men who were uninterested in seeing me.  which was perfect.  because i was too tired and hyper (at the same time, if you can believe that) to be my best nurse self.  the shittiest part of a pretty decent day...

when i went to say goodnight to my favorite patient, i discovered, she's sicker.  she has an infection in her lungs.  she's getting a bronchoscopy today - as i type.  and i know i'm attached when i would almost rather be at work caring for her than taking a day off.

do people die?

my 27 year old patient - the one who is afraid of saline and who i have grown much to attached to - asked me point blank this morning, "do people die here?"

considering we have the most deaths in the entire hospital and considering i frequently (well, certainly more than most people i know) wrap up bodies in plastic body bags, i didn't quite know how to respond.  sometimes i speak before i think...

this time i said, "well, this is a hospital.  of course people die here."  and then i quickly followed it up with, "but people i like don't get to think about dying.  they have to stay positive and do well."

suddenly, i felt unsupportive.  like maybe i had shut up my patient, just when she needed me the most.  so i sat down and asked, "why are you asking me?"

what proceeded was a very candid conversation followed by some tears.

and now, i only like her more.

more stress

i just need to vent a little...

i worked last tuesday, wednesday, and thursday.  and this week, i work monday, tuesday, and wednesday.  that's more than 72 hours in 9 days.

on friday, saturday, and sunday, i spent the majority of each day packing up the cumulation of my life, the condo where i have lived for more than 7 years (by myself).

and on thursday morning, at 9 AM, movers will arrive at my door.  thank god for them by the way.

but good god, this is stressful.

summer = stress

summer.

summer in seattle is beautiful.  for the few weeks that it lasts, i enjoy being outside and soaking up some sunshine.  i know it's good for my mind and my vitamin d levels.

but this summer.  i feel like i barely have time to breathe.

it doesn't help that this summer i am moving.  renting out my condo space.  volunteering one week of my time at a camp for developmentally disabled folks.  attending my first gay wedding (for a couple who has been together for more than 30+ years).  training for a 10k.  seeing every doctor i know for every body part that can get examined (why do i make doctor appointments for summer?).  and planning a trip to switzerland with cole to visit my dad's hometown.  oh, all the while working full time as a nurse.

not to mention, i am also supporting/loving a man who is moving.  who is sharing a living space with me (what is he thinking?!?).  who remains in school full time and is writing a thesis. who is planning a trip to switzerland.  who will be attending his first same-sex wedding.  and who, starting september, will have month long clinical rotations all over the state of washington.  first stop - yakima.  then - coupeville.  and finally - bellingham.  

this summer = stress.

one crane

this week i cared for a woman more than 100 days post her transplant.  she should have been on her way home, with her baby-but-new immune system.  but instead, she was flying home with her cancer in relapse, to die amidst palm trees and sunshine instead of in a strange city where it rains, even in summer.  my patient's niece was keeping my patient company when i walked into her room in the afternoon; she was meticulously folding paper cranes.  it's been a few years since i worked on my 1000 for our unit.  but as soon as i saw the tiny square paper, i HAD to fold one.  so i sat down with my new lady "friends" and folded a paper crane.  just 1 out of 1000.  i know it won't bring the luck my patient needs.  but i do hope it helps to bring some peace and a good death.

the C word

i've discussed my dad being a patient.  i claimed he was my very favorite.  although, i don't like taking care of him.  because i don't like to admit that he is sick.  and i hate to witness his steady decline.  his aging.  and his heart pooping out.

but i like it just as little when my mom is the patient.  in the last few months, my mom has been a patient.  not the heart kind.  thank god.  a different kind.  that could be equally as dangerous.  and just as scary.  it's just a different organ.  did you know that skin is an organ?  one of the most vital.  if we didn't have it - imagine, the rest of our stuff would fall out!

anyway, my mom went to a dermatologist to get a tiny skin tag removed.  it was on her neck.  but thankfully, the dermatologist asked her to get NAKED - even though they'd never met.  the naked part served to be crucial.  as he did a total body scan of all of my mom's moles, sure enough, he found some suspicious ones.  and sure enough, after the biopsies, one came back as melanoma - the big daddy of all skin cancers.  the bad one.  the one that can metastasize.

so, we went back together.  to get the margins removed (especially with melanoma, you want to be sure you've removed ALL of the cancer).  and i watched as they sliced a nice chunk out of my mom's back. i asked questions.  lots of them.  like the nurse daughter that i am.  and hoped to never seen the man again.

but, three months later (now my mom needs every 3 month total body scans), he found more suspicious moles.  and he did 3 more biopsies.  and one more returned positive for melanoma.  another - basal cell.  neither is good.  no one wants misbehaving cells on his or her body.  and i don't like it ONE BIT.

perhaps i'm not the nicest of daughters . . . but as my mom worries about my dad's health and always talks as if he is going to die so soon and she will be left alone, i remind her that she could die first.  i mean, right?  she could be hit by a bus.  or have a heart attack.  or get skin cancer.  it's not like i want that.  but i'm a pessimist.  and sometimes a realist.  and perhaps i just don't like the idea of my dad dying ever or of leaving my mom alone.

but when the C word hits your family.  and it hits your mom.  one of your very best friends.  your biggest supporter and cheerleader.  your sidekick.  your telephone buddy and shopping companion.  your - "i came from you, and you raised me, and i'm so much like you." it can seem too much to handle.  i'm a C word nurse.  nobody i know is allowed to get the C word.  especially my mom.  i need her.  forever.

end of story.