maybe it will be me

yesterday was my last day working with cole on my unit. today is his last day as a student there and although i tried to work overtime today to enjoy him for just a few more hours, they didn't need me. and so here i sit, waiting for my partner to come home to me. waiting to kiss him as he walks in the door. waiting to see what happens next in our ever changing life.

working with your partner is challenging. like i mentioned earlier, i watched my parents work together. and it often seemed a struggle. but i must say, i enjoyed working with cole this last month. we never cared for the same patient. and our jobs are so different (even though we are both healthcare professionals). but we were able to wake up around the same time. get ready side by side. drive in together on the days of work we shared. gaze at each other down long hallways. flirt ever so slightly. and share work tales at the end of the day that we both understood.

at the same time, there are things i very much disliked about working together. sometimes waking up at the same time and trying to get out the door at the same time was a struggle. sometimes we fought over parking money and who gets to drive the car home and who has to take the bus (because i get off at 1930 and he gets off at 1700). sometimes i didn't want to hear about cole's work day - especially on my days off - because i get enough of cancer while i am at work (and unfortunately, think enough about it when i am not). and sometimes, although we shared the same kinds of patients with the same diseases and complications, we were interested in different parts of their stories. cole has an interest in immunology and cell lines; he wants to know the difference between CD45 cells and NK cells. i, on the other hand, care less about that and more about how much my patient misses their children. or how worried they are about their finances. or how afraid they are to die.

i am not suggesting that one interest or role is more significant than the other. both are equally important. but i found it very interesting that even when taking care of the very same population of people, cole and i are different. different is good. and sometimes it's hard.

cole very much enjoyed working with stem cell transplant patients. and over the last four weeks, we dreamed of what it would look like if he chose to work there. and a part of me thinks it would be good. i would be excited for him to start and learn and share that part of my life. and a part of me thinks it would be hard.

cole is not finished with school until august. august 28th to be exact. and he likely won't start working until late fall or early winter, due to taking his boards, getting licensed, and finding a job. but i'm excited to see what his future holds. what our future holds. where he will be working. and with whom.

maybe it will be me.

grateful

sometimes it takes a patient with MS who is completely immobile and dependent to remind you how amazingly privileged you are...

somehow we ended up talking about cuba. and i was able to say, "i've been there. i circumnavigated the globe while in college and i wound up on a university campus with 600 other college students listening to fidel castro speak to us for FIVE hours."

then, at some other point in our day, we talked about india. and i chimed in, "oh, i've been there." at that, my patient said, "i am fascinated by you. what were you doing there?" to which i replied, "oh, i worked at mother teresa's home for the destitute and dying for four months." my patient was astounded.

i guess my "history" is kind of interesting. i've had some amazing experiences and completed some pretty monumental tasks.

but what really makes me realize how lucky i am (in addition to having had the opportunity to travel the world) is when i help my patient turn his body in bed and he moans and groans. or when he has to ask me to bend his knees for him so that he can stretch his hamstrings. or when i clean his totally sore scrotum and he thanks me profusely. or when i use a ceiling lift to transfer him like cattle from bed to a chair. or when i comfort a groan man as he cries, "i can't lose my ability to walk."

i am an independent, healthy, strong woman. and THAT is something i won't take for granted - thanks to K in room 8260 for making me aware and reminding me to be grateful!

happy soul

on monday and tuesday, cole and i shared the bathroom while getting ready in the morning. i brushed my teeth as he shaved. i showered as he flossed. and after our quick, hurried morning routines, we were out the door and on our way to coffee, both decked out in the most amazing argyle socks - mine with neon yellow, his with turquoise (socks are my thing, and now, his!).

our days were busy. mine with nursing tasks. his with physician assistant work and student learning. we saw one another at a distance, down long white hospital halls. and we smiled in passing. i avoided grabbing his behind and he avoided kissing me. but somehow, we danced... flirtatiously. eyes twinkling at one another. hearts beating faster.

people on my unit know cole. my friends have spent time with him. my manager has met him at work functions. and because, over the last few months, i couldn't keep my excitement to myself, almost ALL of my nurse friends/colleagues have been anticipating his arrival. but it was the nutritionist's comment that made me smile the most. she is indian and although she speaks english well and with a beautiful accent, her comment came out differently than most people would say it. and i like her observation. she said this - "i see your soul happy today!"

that feels good.

working with your partner

in 1985, my parents went bankrupt and had to close down their motorcycle shop. they swore they would never run a business together again.

so, imagine my surprise, disappointment, and non-support, when i was in high school and they announced that they were going to buy a small swiss-german deli and run the business together - my dad cooking and my mom running the finances. i thought it was a horrible idea. i was sure they'd get divorced.

they fought. and fought some more. but in the end - they succeeded. they created a quirky little restaurant famed on mercer island for the best soups, salads, and pretzel rolls in town (thanks to my dad). and the best, friendliest service (thanks to my mom). AND they are still married.

so, get this. cole is spending the next month "working" on MY unit. he will have a one month student rotation on the bone marrow transplant service. and although i tend to think working with your partner is not the best idea, i'm totally excited about our future together as cancer providers!

i'm excited for some silly things. first, we might actually get to carpool in the mornings. it'll be nice to have someone awake with me at the butt crack of dawn. AND, i'm excited to see cole all dressed up all day long. it'll be nice to share a lunch here and there if time allows. and of course, there will be coffee breaks and tootsie roll runs (again if time permits).

but i think what is best about this opportunity is that it will allow cole to see what my job entails. i know cole thinks i am a good nurse. he has said this before. but i want him to know WHO i am nursing. i want him to meet my patients, to hear their stories, and to witness their strength, courage, and sometimes anguish and heartbreak. it's not that i want him to be sad along side me (as i often am), but i want him to know me better by knowing my work better.

cole is truly a brilliant student. he has a passion for learning and succeeding that is unrivaled by most. i know he will do well as a physician's assistant. and i would be honored to stand beside him as a nurse to his patients.

p.s. happy new year! may 2014 be great!