downward spiral

last week at work we lost 7 patients in 8 days. it all started with that code that i participated in. from there, it was a downward spiral. i don't know what, if anything, i want to say about it. except that i think it's the worst week we've had on our unit - maybe EVER. thankfully, i didn't know all of the people who passed away.

one person in particular was very special; he had had his transplant over two years ago. over the course of his transplant life, i had cared for him numerous times. several admissions and several discharges. he was kind and fun; he spoke with a spanish and gay accent (not sure which was stronger!). he and his partner had been together for more than 17 years and their love was special and long-lasting (and this week could now be recognized with a marriage in washington, yay!).

sadly, this much-loved patient was admitted on new year's eve. he arrived in his new year's eve underwear (red boxer briefs with decorative hearts worn only once per year for over a decade). he had fevers and his blast count was through the roof (blasts are immature white cells that essentially mean your cancer is back with vengeance). while being treated for infection, the patient developed a horrendous fungal infection. mostly we see fungus in people's lungs; and although he had fungus there too (which by itself can be deadly), the new fungal infection took over his skin. he had lesions all over his body. at first they started out benign - like acne. but they grew and spread and became discolored. soon, he was in pain and oozing all over.

now, i've seen MANY people die. and in india and at bailey boushay (hospice for folks with AIDS), i saw some really atrocious things. but never before have i seen a death so devastatingly ugly and miserable and disfiguring. somehow, this amazing man outlived his prognosis. but this last weekend, my patient lost his battle. actually, i hate that vocabulary. he didn't LOSE anything. people who are cured from cancer don't WIN. everyone who gets cancer gets royally FUCKED (excuse my language). and everyone i know with cancer fights like hell. WIN or LOSE - it's totally out of a person's control. this patient WINS in my book, because he died without regret. with loved ones by his side. and having done everything in his power and within his control to stay positive, optimistic, and invincible until the very end.