garden hoses

WARNING: this is crass and hilarious!

on monday, i answered the call light of a patient i have never met. i was trying to be helpful. but when you answer another nurse's call light, you never know what you're gonna get. when i was a brand new nurse, i never wanted to answer call lights. i was always so nervous that i wouldn't be able to handle the situation i walked into or answer the questions asked. but seven years later, i feel like i can manage most things. or at least know when i am in over my head.

this time, i walked in on an overweight gentleman profusely sweating. he was pacing around the room and looked pretty uncomfortable. i noticed that his IV pole had many bags of fluid hanging - some of which were actually connected to his foley catheter. just by assessing his IV pole, i knew that the man was receiving bladder irrigation. i know that people who require bladder irrigation for blood clots that form in their bladder and thus clot their urethra need LARGE foley catheters, not unequal to a garden hose. i would recognize the waddle from miles away (imagine walking with a garden hose coming out of your urethra. yup, OUCH!). but i didn't really expect the answer i got to my question: "what can i do for you? you look uncomfortable."

the patient said in an angry, serious voice, "of course i am uncomfortable. i have a forty pound dick!"

as a new nurse, i would have blushed and scurried about the room. trying to help him get situated. offering to call his nurse or physician.

but now, i laughed and said, "i don't think any man wants one that big, huh?"