support

for the past few days, i've been working with a 45 year old woman struggling with breast cancer.  she's had breast cancer since 2001 - that means she was only 33 years old when she was diagnosed.  she was a new mom then.  now, she has a high school age daughter and an 18 year old son.  and although i don't know much about her life, i witnessed her support system.  she is circled by friends and caring and prayer.  and it's a huge honor to witness such love.

at this point in her disease, she has metastases to her bones and lymph nodes.  and as of late (like in the last week), she has had mental status changes that suggest she has brain mets also.  her responses to questions are slow.  and she has difficulty finding the correct words to explain herself.  she gets confused whether it is day or night.  and although she doesn't have much choice, she allows medical professionals to poke and prod her over and over.

last night, i knelt in front of her, held her shoulders that were slumped over her bedside table, and rested my head near hers (to keep her still), while two physicians sliced through ribs and drained almost one liter of fluid from her lungs.  i felt like we were taking a nap together.  she was calm.  and i was tired.  while we were "hugging," the world was still.  i felt good.  and i hope she felt safe.  that i would protect her from the resident who had never done a thoracentesis and was doing it for the first time with a fellow guiding his every move.  that i would talk her through their actions - since they sometimes forget they are working on humans.  that i would find her support system once the doctors left so that she would never be alone.

my job is incredible sometimes.  i witness such love.  and such devotion.  sometimes IT (whatever IT is) is so palpable that i am left speechless.

 in awe.  crying while charting at my computer.

did i mention that my patient's two main caregivers are her ex-husband and her best friend from mississippi who flew in to be with her for this indefinite amount of time before she passes?  some people are blessed with good support.  good friends.  and love.

i am too.