feeling pessimistic

the last two days i worked, i cared for the sweetest woman.  she's 49 years old.  she's a mother.  to two twenty-something girls who very much need their mom.  go figure, she got admitted to our unit because she is SICK.  everyone on my unit is SICK.  but this woman deserves capitals.  she needs some cheerleaders.  or angels.  or something.

she is 120 post her transplant.  and although she got her own cells back (which is our "easiest" kind of transplant), she struggled from the beginning.  her mouth sores got so bad after chemotherapy, she was intubated.  her lungs started to hemorrhage for no reason.  her heartbeat became erratic and required extra monitoring.  and when she left the hospital, we thought it was a miracle.  we clapped.  and felt joy in our hearts.  a passion was re-ignited - a hope - that maybe transplant works.  maybe all this hard work - witnessing people suffer - has purpose.  maybe there is life after transplant after all.

but once again, now i am not sure.  her future - if she has one - is going to be VERY hard.

as i prepare for work tomorrow, i feel a sense of apprehension and anxiety.  the kind, loving part of me that knows i am good at my job, that knows i offered the best kind of support to this patient, wants to care for her again.  tomorrow and the next day.  maybe until her discharge - to home or to the heavens (we call it a discharge to the eternal care unit or a celestial discharge).  i know she felt safe with me.  and i did a good job, juggling all of her needs - medical and emotional.  hence, there's a small part of me that wants to call my unit and request that i be her nurse tomorrow.

but somewhere inside, there's also part of me that never wants to see her tearful eyes again.  part of me wants to avoid her like the plague.  pretend like she doesn't exist and never inquire about her well-being. if i accidentally acknowledge her existence, i want to pretend that she's getting better, that when her room is empty it's because she's well, shopping with her daughters, celebrating birthdays and graduations and weddings.  but i'm not that optimistic.  never have been.  and never will.  not when it comes to cancer.  on my unit.