dialysis and goodbye

i called in sick yesterday for today. i have some sort of respiratory infection. and although i feel healthy enough to go to work, it's out of respect for my patients that i am staying home.

i'm unlike most folks. i HATE calling in sick. i feel like if i am scheduled to work, i should work. no matter what. especially if i feel decent. and i do. but mostly, today i am sad that i am not at work because it is one more day that i am not with or near nurse patient and her husband.

when i spoke with the charge nurse yesterday, i asked how nurse patient is doing. rather non-challantly (because that's how most of us are on my unit about life and death - kind of blazay), she informed me that nurse patient is starting dialysis today. her kidneys have stopped working and without an external filtration system (to replace the function of the kidneys), she will die. sooner. it's hard to guestimate a person's timeline. but per my charge nurse and friend, she said by the weekend she would expect nurse patient to be gone.

i am scheduled to work tomorrow. and then, not again until monday. part of me is thankful that i was not nurse patient's nurse last sunday when she got intubated. then again, there is this small part of me that thinks maybe i could have helped avoid the intubation. or made it smoother. or encouraged her and her husband to snuggle one last time. or share heartfelt messages and goodbyes. then, there is this other part of me that wishes i was her nurse then. now. and when she dies. i feel a sense of control. like i might do it better. like she might feel safer to die under my care. and like her husband would be better supported (i recognize that i am under-estimating the staff with whom i work; they are all good and provide quality, kind, dignified care).

i think i need to go to work tomorrow. i need to say goodbye.