closer to dying

i feel like everyone is dying every day. like today, i am closer to death than yesterday. and tomorrow, i will be closer to dying than today. it's a negative outlook on life, i get that. but i can't help how i feel.

i just got back from yet another doctor's appointment with my dad. and i can tell he is discouraged. he seems to be getting sicker instead of better. his heart and kidney function continue to decline despite numerous interventions and changes to his medications to improve them. he talks about life like it's already over. i listen to him reflect on his past and verify for him that he's done the best he could - that despite some really hard times, he's been a good husband, father, and man. i give pep talks to encourage my dad to keep fighting, to keep taking care of himself. but sometimes i think he's ready to throw in the towel.

i cannot speak for my dad, but i am not ready for him to throw in the towel. i need him to continue eating salt free foods. to sell his business so that he can retire and live life less stressfully. to be diligent about taking his medications and having check-ups with doctor's as often as they see fit. i need him to stick around to help me change lightbulbs. to help me buy my first car with my own money (as he so generously bought me my first and current car 16 years ago). i need him around for family dinners and to carry out ridiculous traditions that he pretends to hate. i need my dad because he is my dad and nobody else could ever fill that role.

although we are all closer to dying (in my glass half-empty outlook), i am not ready for anybody to be closer to dying any time soon.