june is going to be better

the last couple of weeks at work have been hard. i'm proud to say, i've not missed a day. i've even done two 4.5 hour overtime shifts (because i keep spending money - retail therapy). but gee is it hard to care for others when you feel sick yourself. when your life is in shambles. when everything is unknown.

this weekend, i actually fell asleep at my computer while charting. the twenty minute nap saved me from more breakdowns during the remainder of my shift. i had already cried a few times in patient rooms. once especially hard when a male, nurse friend of mine asked point blank, "what's going on with you?" i couldn't help but spill the beans. "cole is struggling in our relationship. he's terrified. and i'm not sure this is going to end well." justin said in a kind, sympathetic tone - "don't let this break you christa." i said, "oh, you mean, don't feel pathetic and worthless and unloveable." and he said, "exactly." we were washing an intubated, mildly sedated man as tears rolled down my cheeks.

in other news, i've had some crazy shifts lately. two weekends ago i got floated to another unit. i was completely out of my element. and of course, the day was a shit show. i had a quadriplegic patient with blood pressures in the 210/110s (for those of you that don't know, this is an emergency). and another one of my patients returned from a smoke break outside without the IV pole that he had previously been attached to, bleeding hepatitis B AND C blood all throughout the hospital because he had pulled out his IV and the heparin gtt attached to him (a medicine that was helping to save his life from a potentially lethal blood clot in his lungs). once the mess was cleaned up, the same patient decided he hated me and threw a tantrum at the front desk, asking to be transferred to another hospital where the care was better and the staff listened to patients' needs. the bright side, i made 1.50 more per hour because i was floated. note my sarcasm. NOT ENOUGH.

i'm hoping june is better. i'm working less. i have two 8 hour class days where instead of caring for humans, i will be sitting on my rump, learning about death and dying. sounds depressing, but this is right up my alley. i'm also running my first half marathon. and i plan to fill my time with life-affirming things and amazing friends. june, here i come.