here's to healthier

i work tomorrow. and tomorrow is the day before nurse patient's second transplant (we call it day -1). she will be getting two doses of radiation during my shift in preparation for the double cord blood transplant she decided to get- because although the risk of failure is higher, the possibility of engrafting comes earlier than had she waited for the german donor. and my patient is SICK. she KNOWS she is sick. and i worry that she is giving up - allowing medicine to control her instead of playing an important, motivated, and determined role. she's tired. and weak. and scared. and NEEDS for this to work. quickly.

i work friday too - her transplant day (we call it day 0, a new birthday of sorts). i will be infusing two bags of precious cord blood that two generous mothers donated to the world of cancer patients. and although i have NO control over how this scenario plays out, i feel a small sense of responsibility. i have cared for nurse patient every shift i have worked since february. we have formed a bond. and if this does not work out (which i fear), i will be devastated.

in some way, nurse patient motivates me to come to work. i feel like someone needs me. she and her husband feel safer when she is under my care. and i feel proud of my job well done. on monday evening, nurse patient's husband said to me, "christa, you are the best!" my response, "i enjoy caring for _ _ _ _ _. you make me want to come to work and do a good job. i only wish you were healthier!"