ice cream cures

i had one of the worst shifts i have ever had on friday. there's almost too much to explain and i feel like i couldn't make it sound bad enough. but imagine this. at one point, it got so bad, my charge nurse put his arm around me, said he was sorry my day was sucking, and that i won the award for worst day. because of his small act of kindness, i broke into hysteric sobs at the nurses station and said something like, "i hate working here. everyone dies!"

my dear friend marian stood beside me, kind of unsure how to proceed. the charge nurse, a 6 foot 2 grizzly bear of a man, also asked what he could do to lighten my load. and i decided i needed three minutes to myself in the bathroom, to cry harder and/or compose myself. as i ran off the unit, i could hear the charge RN say to marian, "follow her." so, marian and i convened in the bathroom where i proceeded to cry a bit more (and chuckled about our pow-wow in the handicapped bathroom stall). and then i peed with marian standing nearby. i've cried at work before, but i've never peed in front of a colleague. work has hit an all time low.

on my drive home, i cried some more. i cried because my 31 year old patient was told he has two weeks to live. and i cried because this 31 year old was going home, ALONE, with no one to hug her or support her and tell her that she and the world were going to be okay.

by some strange twist of fate, my friend called me on my drive home. and when i answered, he immediately could tell i was distraught. he's heard me sob before; but i think i surprised him mid-misery, instead of forewarning him with some comment like, "i had a shitty day." instead, i snotted and sniffled into the cellphone. we talked for 30 minutes or so and when our conversation was coming to a close, i decided to invite him over. he too had had a bad day at work; he has deadlines and projects galore. and for someone who is almost never phased, he seemed stressed also - i thought ice cream might cure both our ails. and to my surprise and utter delight, he thanked me for the invite and said he was looking for parking in my neighborhood. what a dear friend! he knew exactly what i needed and jumped in the car even before my invitation. i needed to not be alone. i needed a split scoop of cinnamon and maple walnut ice cream. and i needed to watch an hour of bad tv with someone by my side.

i woke up on saturday AM with swollen and puffy eyes. but the ice cream and company had "cured" a small piece of my heart the night before. and i was able to get out of bed and carry on.