110%

there are some patients on our unit who have been there for months; it must seem like lifetimes to them. some of those patients are a pleasure to care for; they are sick - but independent, kind, and fun to be around. and of course, sadly, there are some longterm patients that you just don't want to care for. they are SUPER sick, dependent on others for every and all tasks, and often emotionally draining.

on sunday night, before the worst schedule in my nursing career, (monday, tuesday, thursday, friday, monday, tuesday, wednesday - 12 hour shifts), i secretly hoped to myself that i would have a good assignment. "please, pretty please, don't let me have room 2." sometimes i feel like i just don't have it in me to work hard; i don't have the physical, but mostly the mental, capacity to give 110% - to give a very sick and needy patient all the care and kindness that they deserve.

sure enough, monday morning finds me with two longterm-ers. the first is E - a 32 year old female from canada. she has two children thousands of miles away. her first transplant failed. she has spent 50+ days in the hospital. celebrated a birthday. had multiple infections. and is now getting chemo AGAIN for transplant #2. she is a joy to care for. we're approximately the same age. she's sarcastic and fun. and although she is SICK, with no white blood cells (hence no immune system and highly susceptible to germs), she is independent - what we nurses call a walky-talky.

my second patient... well, not so walky-talky. my patient lives in room 2. literally. lives. he has been in the hospital for more than 2 months. his transplant didn't go as planned either. he developed severe mucositis which compromised his airway. he coded. they did chest compressions. they broke ribs. and he survived on a ventilator for weeks. he is now recooperating. breathing on his own. but that's about all he can do independently. he needs help turning in bed to prevent pressure ulcers. he needs help ordering food from the cafeteria and feeding himself once it has arrived. he has tubes in orifices. needs to be cleaned up frequently. has pain issues. and because of his complex course and stent in the ICU, he is not quite back to baseline. he is emotional and needy. he's 43. and sad. he cries all the time. and needs a nurse's very best - their 110%.

and to my surprise, despite my lack of faith in myself, that is what i gave. my very best. my 110%.

life has been everything but perfect for me in the last few months. sickness has plagued my family. i've spent more time at the hospital than residents in their first year. heartache has been a regular friend to me. but despite my exhaustion and emotional overload, i took good care of the patient in room 2. dare i say it, i even enjoyed my two days with mr. H. i'd like to say that i always give 110%. but to be honest, i don't. i can't. it's not sustainable. but it sure feels good to deliver.