take care of me. please.

sometimes, as a nurse, i get sick of taking care of people. i don't just care for people at work, i care for people in all aspects of my life. caring is in my genes. it just happens - almost naturally, compulsively, intuitively (even when i try to care less or stop caring at all). but then, every now and then, when i've cared too much, i crack; and then, i need someone to take care of me. please.

these last three days at work have been hard. to be brief.

on wednesday, i cared for a 46 year old nigerian man. throughout my 12 hour shift, he lost his ability to speak in english. he lost his mobility and could no longer transfer from his chair to the bed. he had unmanaged pain. and was nearing death.

today (friday), i wrapped his body in plastic and zipped him up in a body bag. his three brothers watched us perform our last "caring" techniques (which feels more like lack of caring - plastic? body bags? ugh - inhumane). the brothers (and i) cried.

my other two patients are 24 and 34 years old. the 24 year old is pre-transplant. he is hopeful and anxious. he's getting sicker before we make him better. the 34 year old has had two transplants; the first one his body did not accept and sadly, he's relapsed after the second. his leg is gangrenous and he needs a walker. he has two kids and a wife at home.

my other patient is not my patient at all. he's family; he's my dad. my dad has congestive heart failure and is seen in the out-patient cardiology clinic in my hospital. the days he has appointments while i am at work, i usually con my charge nurse to allow me to leave the floor to escort my dad. he's lived in the US for more than 30 years (from switzerland originally), but he still needs an interpreter. not literally. but he does need an advocate and someone to force him to report accurately. so, we went together today to see why he's been more fatigued and why he is retaining fluid despite the diuretics. bottom line. it's hard to care for a parent. to watch them age and get sicker.

anyway, sometimes i care too much. if you catch my drift. i worry about my "patients." i feel sad when they have aches and pains. i want for them to get better instead of sicker. i want my caring to be curing. and it's often not.

when this realization comes, that i cannot care for everyone and that i certainly cannot cure anyone, i get overwhelmed. sometimes i cry. sometimes i eat chocolate. today, i just need someone to take care of me for a change. please.