part 3: sad and lonely

when i started this blog thing, i thought it would be for my own eyes only - an easy, modern kind of journal-thing that i could access from work. i've written off and on in tangible journals most of my life. it's a form of catharsis for me. but i've always just expected that these "journals" would be private (although i used to secretly hope that someone would find them after i died a tragic death and i would become famous posthumously like anne frank). eventually, i decided to share this link with a few special people - people i would likely share these stories with and feelings to anyway. i guess i thought it would be a good way to have my friends and family get to know me better - to allow some folks into my heart - to see why it is that it aches so much. but now i'm wondering if i am brave enough (slash stupid enough) to let people see how very sad and lonely i can be.

today was a hard day at work. and when i realized that i was headed home, to my empty condo, to a tv dinner or raw veggies with hummus, i wanted to cry (well, i didn't just "want" to cry, i did). i wanted someone to talk to, someone to hug me when i walked in the door, someone to walk around the block with, maybe get some ice cream... i just didn't want to be ALONE.

C died today. a 20 year old boy died today - may 14th, 2010. his parents lost their son. his older brother and sister lost their baby sibling. five nieces and nephews lost their uncle. dozens of twenty year olds lost their friend. and my friends and i at work, we lost our patient.

if C was brave enough to walk his journey, then i guess i am brave enough to admit that i am sad and sometimes lonely. tonight i am both.

i suppose it almost feels good to feel these things. to be alive with emotion. to be alive at all.