broken heart

sometimes my patients break my heart.

because of my fantastic nursing care (!?!!), i have been requested by a patient's daughter to take care of her mom most of the days that i work. as great of an honor as that is, it can also be very challenging. you get to know your patient and their family well; the walls that you build up to prevent heart-ache and sadness start to crumble. and eventually, when the prognosis is bad and the patient miserable, you start to feel depressed and overwhelmed by the reality of your patient's life.

my 63 year old patient (the same one who had the seizure not too long ago and has been hospitalized for months) is having excruciating abdominal pain. i sent her down for a CT scan of her abdomen to assess her pain crisis and unfortunately, we created another one. the contrast that was injected into her IV extravasated (that's a big word for "leaked out of her veins"); she now has been visited by a plastic surgeon, as the contrast can cause serious damage to the surrounding tissue in her arm.

my patient just feels uncomfortable. she is sick of being in the hospital, sick of being in pain. as i watched her grimace and listened to her moans, she said to me, "i just want to cry." i replied with, "that would be okay marcia." then she said, "it's silly, but i just want my mom." marica is 63 years old. her mom is not here - not in the hospital, not on earth.

we always want what we can't have. and today, it's breaking my heart.

sometimes i want my mom and i am blessed to have her.