in 1985, my parents went bankrupt and had to close down their motorcycle shop. they swore they would never run a business together again.
so, imagine my surprise, disappointment, and non-support, when i was in high school and they announced that they were going to buy a small swiss-german deli and run the business together - my dad cooking and my mom running the finances. i thought it was a horrible idea. i was sure they'd get divorced.
they fought. and fought some more. but in the end - they succeeded. they created a quirky little restaurant famed on mercer island for the best soups, salads, and pretzel rolls in town (thanks to my dad). and the best, friendliest service (thanks to my mom). AND they are still married.
so, get this. cole is spending the next month "working" on MY unit. he will have a one month student rotation on the bone marrow transplant service. and although i tend to think working with your partner is not the best idea, i'm totally excited about our future together as cancer providers!
i'm excited for some silly things. first, we might actually get to carpool in the mornings. it'll be nice to have someone awake with me at the butt crack of dawn. AND, i'm excited to see cole all dressed up all day long. it'll be nice to share a lunch here and there if time allows. and of course, there will be coffee breaks and tootsie roll runs (again if time permits).
but i think what is best about this opportunity is that it will allow cole to see what my job entails. i know cole thinks i am a good nurse. he has said this before. but i want him to know WHO i am nursing. i want him to meet my patients, to hear their stories, and to witness their strength, courage, and sometimes anguish and heartbreak. it's not that i want him to be sad along side me (as i often am), but i want him to know me better by knowing my work better.
cole is truly a brilliant student. he has a passion for learning and succeeding that is unrivaled by most. i know he will do well as a physician's assistant. and i would be honored to stand beside him as a nurse to his patients.
p.s. happy new year! may 2014 be great!
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Thursday, December 12, 2013
garden hoses
WARNING: this is crass and hilarious!
on monday, i answered the call light of a patient i have never met. i was trying to be helpful. but when you answer another nurse's call light, you never know what you're gonna get. when i was a brand new nurse, i never wanted to answer call lights. i was always so nervous that i wouldn't be able to handle the situation i walked into or answer the questions asked. but seven years later, i feel like i can manage most things. or at least know when i am in over my head.
this time, i walked in on an overweight gentleman profusely sweating. he was pacing around the room and looked pretty uncomfortable. i noticed that his IV pole had many bags of fluid hanging - some of which were actually connected to his foley catheter. just by assessing his IV pole, i knew that the man was receiving bladder irrigation. i know that people who require bladder irrigation for blood clots that form in their bladder and thus clot their urethra need LARGE foley catheters, not unequal to a garden hose. i would recognize the waddle from miles away (imagine walking with a garden hose coming out of your urethra. yup, OUCH!). but i didn't really expect the answer i got to my question: "what can i do for you? you look uncomfortable."
the patient said in an angry, serious voice, "of course i am uncomfortable. i have a forty pound dick!"
as a new nurse, i would have blushed and scurried about the room. trying to help him get situated. offering to call his nurse or physician.
but now, i laughed and said, "i don't think any man wants one that big, huh?"
on monday, i answered the call light of a patient i have never met. i was trying to be helpful. but when you answer another nurse's call light, you never know what you're gonna get. when i was a brand new nurse, i never wanted to answer call lights. i was always so nervous that i wouldn't be able to handle the situation i walked into or answer the questions asked. but seven years later, i feel like i can manage most things. or at least know when i am in over my head.
this time, i walked in on an overweight gentleman profusely sweating. he was pacing around the room and looked pretty uncomfortable. i noticed that his IV pole had many bags of fluid hanging - some of which were actually connected to his foley catheter. just by assessing his IV pole, i knew that the man was receiving bladder irrigation. i know that people who require bladder irrigation for blood clots that form in their bladder and thus clot their urethra need LARGE foley catheters, not unequal to a garden hose. i would recognize the waddle from miles away (imagine walking with a garden hose coming out of your urethra. yup, OUCH!). but i didn't really expect the answer i got to my question: "what can i do for you? you look uncomfortable."
the patient said in an angry, serious voice, "of course i am uncomfortable. i have a forty pound dick!"
as a new nurse, i would have blushed and scurried about the room. trying to help him get situated. offering to call his nurse or physician.
but now, i laughed and said, "i don't think any man wants one that big, huh?"
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
oh come all ye faithful
today i cared for a woman on comfort care. she had been transitioned to comfort care yesterday because her prognosis is poor. but strangely, the team of medical professionals doesn't know EXACTLY what's going on with her. they cannot REALLY explain her decline. yes she has HHV6 in her cerebrospinal fluid. and yes her scans show substantial changes to her gray and white matter in her brain. but we cannot explain away WHY this happened.
but the WHY plays no part in how i care for my patient. and so, i did my very best this morning to make her comfortable and ensure her safety. i had been told that she was fairly unresponsive; that sometimes she says yes or no. but that her responses were not reliable. but i continued to talk, to explain what i was doing. and when i was done with her bedbath, i decided to tidy her room. now that our goals of treatment had shifted, there were things i could remove. and ALWAYS, ALWAYS there are things to straighten, dispose of, recycle, and organize. which the OCD in me enjoys. so i indulged...
my tidying revealed a CD player and christmas CDs. i decided to put one in. the first one was VERY peppy and almost felt inappropriate for the situation. so i changed it instantly to something more appropriate. christian christmas carols. the very first song to come on was "oh come all ye faithful." and although i haven't been to church in years and christmas has lost some of its meaning for me in the spiritual sense, i knew every word. and to my surprise, so did my patient. my dying, very sick, confused and nearly unresponsive patient began to sing. i felt flabbergasted. and amazed. touched. and saddened. and so, i sat with my patient, held her hand, and despite having a not-so-beautiful singing voice, sang every word to the entire song with her, for her, and to her.
but the WHY plays no part in how i care for my patient. and so, i did my very best this morning to make her comfortable and ensure her safety. i had been told that she was fairly unresponsive; that sometimes she says yes or no. but that her responses were not reliable. but i continued to talk, to explain what i was doing. and when i was done with her bedbath, i decided to tidy her room. now that our goals of treatment had shifted, there were things i could remove. and ALWAYS, ALWAYS there are things to straighten, dispose of, recycle, and organize. which the OCD in me enjoys. so i indulged...
my tidying revealed a CD player and christmas CDs. i decided to put one in. the first one was VERY peppy and almost felt inappropriate for the situation. so i changed it instantly to something more appropriate. christian christmas carols. the very first song to come on was "oh come all ye faithful." and although i haven't been to church in years and christmas has lost some of its meaning for me in the spiritual sense, i knew every word. and to my surprise, so did my patient. my dying, very sick, confused and nearly unresponsive patient began to sing. i felt flabbergasted. and amazed. touched. and saddened. and so, i sat with my patient, held her hand, and despite having a not-so-beautiful singing voice, sang every word to the entire song with her, for her, and to her.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
visits at work
i don't know about other people's jobs. but mine is pretty inflexible. if i have a doctor's appointment, even if it's at 7:45 in the morning, i have to call in sick for a 12 hour day. or, if i need to pick up a friend at the airport, i have to make them take a taxi. i'm not aloud to come and go on a work day. i can't have a lunch break and go grab a bite at a local place. it's kind of a bummer. and makes work isolating and a bit inconvenient at times.
that's why when people visit me, it makes my ENTIRE day! it breaks up the 12 hours and makes work feel manageable. visits happen infrequently. but boy when they do, i LOVE it! sometimes my dad pops his head around the corner after he's gotten a blood draw. and to make the visit last longer, if i'm not busy, i walk him to the parking garage. fun, huh? it might not sound exciting, but it's the BEST. i feel so loved.
this sunday, a friend called and offered not only to stop by for a visit, but also, to deliver me my favorite coffee from my favorite coffee shop. what a friend! she even knows my drink by heart. and to avoid embarrassing myself, let's just say, it's not a simple drink. THAT is a good friend. seeing emma at the front desk made me smile. and having the opportunity to sit and chat with her for AN HOUR was the icing on the cake (not to mention, i got paid to hang out with one of my favorite people.... shhhh!).
it didn't even matter that the last two hours of my shift were crazy. i was caffeinated. and i felt loved...
thank you emma!
that's why when people visit me, it makes my ENTIRE day! it breaks up the 12 hours and makes work feel manageable. visits happen infrequently. but boy when they do, i LOVE it! sometimes my dad pops his head around the corner after he's gotten a blood draw. and to make the visit last longer, if i'm not busy, i walk him to the parking garage. fun, huh? it might not sound exciting, but it's the BEST. i feel so loved.
this sunday, a friend called and offered not only to stop by for a visit, but also, to deliver me my favorite coffee from my favorite coffee shop. what a friend! she even knows my drink by heart. and to avoid embarrassing myself, let's just say, it's not a simple drink. THAT is a good friend. seeing emma at the front desk made me smile. and having the opportunity to sit and chat with her for AN HOUR was the icing on the cake (not to mention, i got paid to hang out with one of my favorite people.... shhhh!).
it didn't even matter that the last two hours of my shift were crazy. i was caffeinated. and i felt loved...
thank you emma!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
heart ache
today is the first of four days off. i slept in until 7:45 - even though my body naturally awoke at 5:45 (the brutal time i slip out of bed to prepare for my 12.5 hour day). and i've already started laundry, made a foot long to-do list, and am at my coffee shop sipping on a triple shot sugar free vanilla latte (they accidentally made me my drink with an extra shot - eek!). it feels grand.
work has been hard for me lately. i could blame the mistake(s) i've made. say that my confidence is shaken. my spirits are down. and perhaps that's part of it. but i also just want to say - my job is HARD. even the easy days - they're HARD.
this week, i cared for a 29 year old man/boy. in april he noticed a lesion on his tongue. he thought it was a canker sore and waited for it to go away. then he went to the dentist, and they were worried about it. but he waited for it to go away. and it never did. now, i don't know all of the details. but it wasn't until september that he was actually diagnosed - with stage IV tongue and neck cancer. and although further testing and more scans were ordered, still... he waited for it to go away.
today, the man/boy (who is really a scared and angry kid coping poorly in an adult body) will get a tube placed in his abdomen in order to feed himself. he can no longer swallow. he can't even open his mouth wide enough to brush his teeth. his tumor is the size of a softball and it has erupted through his cheek and jaw. he is hugely disfigured. and the tumor, once hiding under his skin, has stretched and pulled and finally broke through - leaving a bleeding, oozing mess. it's AWFUL. he won't talk - not just because it's hard and painful, but because he's mad. he is 29. when i was talking to our 60+ year old crass secretary about my patient he said this - "he's a kid. he should be out getting laid. and instead, he's stuck in the fucking hospital with attractive women taking care of him. he's pissed. and dying." it's true. he won't make it. his cancer is too advanced. it's inoperable.
and you know what? seeing ALL of this sadness weighs on my soul. i'm a fit, strong woman. i'm muscular and can run and squat and climb. i can carry lots of weight. lots of burden. (and for this, i am thankful. i don't take my health for granted. not after seeing so many people without it). but eventually, after seven plus years of this... after seeing more dead bodies than i can count. after hearing so many heartbreaking stories and comforting too many distraught patients and loved ones... your legs weaken. your shoulders hurt and hunch over. your muscles quiver. and your heart aches.
work has been hard for me lately. i could blame the mistake(s) i've made. say that my confidence is shaken. my spirits are down. and perhaps that's part of it. but i also just want to say - my job is HARD. even the easy days - they're HARD.
this week, i cared for a 29 year old man/boy. in april he noticed a lesion on his tongue. he thought it was a canker sore and waited for it to go away. then he went to the dentist, and they were worried about it. but he waited for it to go away. and it never did. now, i don't know all of the details. but it wasn't until september that he was actually diagnosed - with stage IV tongue and neck cancer. and although further testing and more scans were ordered, still... he waited for it to go away.
today, the man/boy (who is really a scared and angry kid coping poorly in an adult body) will get a tube placed in his abdomen in order to feed himself. he can no longer swallow. he can't even open his mouth wide enough to brush his teeth. his tumor is the size of a softball and it has erupted through his cheek and jaw. he is hugely disfigured. and the tumor, once hiding under his skin, has stretched and pulled and finally broke through - leaving a bleeding, oozing mess. it's AWFUL. he won't talk - not just because it's hard and painful, but because he's mad. he is 29. when i was talking to our 60+ year old crass secretary about my patient he said this - "he's a kid. he should be out getting laid. and instead, he's stuck in the fucking hospital with attractive women taking care of him. he's pissed. and dying." it's true. he won't make it. his cancer is too advanced. it's inoperable.
and you know what? seeing ALL of this sadness weighs on my soul. i'm a fit, strong woman. i'm muscular and can run and squat and climb. i can carry lots of weight. lots of burden. (and for this, i am thankful. i don't take my health for granted. not after seeing so many people without it). but eventually, after seven plus years of this... after seeing more dead bodies than i can count. after hearing so many heartbreaking stories and comforting too many distraught patients and loved ones... your legs weaken. your shoulders hurt and hunch over. your muscles quiver. and your heart aches.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
coffee break mid week
i find myself in coupeville, washington again. i was here just two weeks ago while on bereavement leave. but today, i squeezed in one more visit to my man friend as he completes his last week of clinicals here, working with one of the few town's physicians. it's peaceful here. sitting in a quaint little coffee shop - all of the locals chatting and catching up on the morning's gossip.
THIS is the kind of respite i need between each shift. i'm a ferry ride away from the real world. and yet, i feel like i'm on vacation. there is NOTHING to do here. i arrived at about 6:45 last night and i will leave by 6:45 tonight (because i worked a half day yesterday and i work tomorrow). i will do nothing but eat phad see ew noodles from the ONE thai restaurant, sleep tight in a warm bed, and drink coffee.
i wish i could come here after every shift. i worked 4 hours on sunday, 12 hours on monday, 5 hours yesterday, and i work thursday, friday, monday and tuesday (all 12 hour shifts). and i don't want to. i want vacation. sometimes it's hard being a grown up, with a stressful job that requires so much brain and too much heart. it's really hard to motivate myself to work so much, with such sick people.
for now, i'm gonna get back to sipping coffee...
THIS is the kind of respite i need between each shift. i'm a ferry ride away from the real world. and yet, i feel like i'm on vacation. there is NOTHING to do here. i arrived at about 6:45 last night and i will leave by 6:45 tonight (because i worked a half day yesterday and i work tomorrow). i will do nothing but eat phad see ew noodles from the ONE thai restaurant, sleep tight in a warm bed, and drink coffee.
i wish i could come here after every shift. i worked 4 hours on sunday, 12 hours on monday, 5 hours yesterday, and i work thursday, friday, monday and tuesday (all 12 hour shifts). and i don't want to. i want vacation. sometimes it's hard being a grown up, with a stressful job that requires so much brain and too much heart. it's really hard to motivate myself to work so much, with such sick people.
for now, i'm gonna get back to sipping coffee...
Friday, November 1, 2013
bereavement vacation
i wanted to post an update. about my patient. the one i wrote about last. the patient i made "extra" comfortable with morphine (i'd like to see it as that, instead of as me making the biggest error of my nursing career). i worked with him last on sunday. and i learned that my patient passed away peacefully on tuesday surrounded by family, friends, and members of his church.
i'm still on bereavement leave. my schedule is such that taking off these three shifts for bereavement means i don't work until tuesday. and although EIGHT entire days off is a nice mini-vacation, it's still not enough to heal one's heart from the loss of a grandmother, the loss of a patient, and all of the past and future losses in my career as a nurse on my unit.
i NEVER want to take bereavement again; i do not want to suffer any more losses. but i will say, this bereavement vacation is doing me well.
i'm still on bereavement leave. my schedule is such that taking off these three shifts for bereavement means i don't work until tuesday. and although EIGHT entire days off is a nice mini-vacation, it's still not enough to heal one's heart from the loss of a grandmother, the loss of a patient, and all of the past and future losses in my career as a nurse on my unit.
i NEVER want to take bereavement again; i do not want to suffer any more losses. but i will say, this bereavement vacation is doing me well.
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