hemorrhoids

it's always hard to come back from vacation. going from breakfasts of croissants and brisk hikes in mountain air to rushed microwaved soy patties and the stale hospital air that my job provides is - well, to say the least - rough. but it's especially hard when you're thrown in (because the higher ups trust you and give you hard assignments). on tuesday, i had three patients - two of whom were off service and discharged at the very exact same moment. wednesday i was doused in trach juices by a very lovely woman my dad's age; she has tongue cancer and required the placement of a tracheostomy to breathe. and to be honest, i have NO idea when it comes to trach care. that afternoon, i was asked to do conscious sedation for a patient other than my own - a transplant patient who has been doing more than $100.00 a day of marijauna. needless to say, the bronchoscopy was very chill - he didn't squirm, he didn't care, and thankfully, he kept breathing. but yesterday, yesterday was the hardest.

i cared for a gal just three months younger than myself. she and her husband have been married for 9 years. they have two children. and they are from WAY out of state. and the reason she showed up in seattle is because we were the only cancer center willing to offer her a shot. she's sick. refractory to chemo (meaning she cannot get into remission, even for a bit). and to top off this glorious deal, she has a super scary hemorrhoid! you couldn't imagine how much trouble a hemorrhoid can cause. she can't sit. she can't go to the bathroom. she can't sleep. she's miserable. and yet, she has the best attitude.

i told her that i dislike caring for patients my age. it just doesn't seem fair. and she said, "He has a plan." i'm not much of a believer, but i said, "it better be a good one." i want this woman to survive; she is kind (and the good ones always seem to die). and she said, "somehow, it always is - whatever it is." ahhhh... to be at such peace. what a brave lady!

in the afternoon, her equally as kind husband asked if i would teach him how to care for his wife's "wound." and so, i raised the bed to his height. making sure he wasn't too squeamish. and he kindly and carefully watched my hands do what his would be doing in the future. i told him he was brave, that nursing isn't for everyone. and he said, "i made a commitment - and i know she would do it for me." it sounds simple. i quick re-living of vows. an acknowledgement of love and kindness. in sickness and in health.

but it was so special to witness. so touching. i left. and i think they cried. and typing this, i want to too.

very expensive babysitter

today i am a very expensive babysitter... i am sitting outside the room of a patient, watching, waiting for him to impulsively jump out of bed without regard to his many IV lines attached to his chest. at which time, i too will jump, don my yellow gown, mask, and gloves, and assist him to his commode chair (hopefully before he has had an accident). my patient is a grown man, slightly confused. when asked this morning where he is, he responded in all seriousness with "the parliament building." and because he is currently slightly unsafe on his feet and unaware in his mind, i am his right hand woman. and i am BORED. it could be worse. but seriously, i just want to be on vacation.



today is my last shift before more than two weeks off. cole and i leave for switzerland on monday for a quick rendezvous in the mountains. after a few solo days, we will meet up with my parents to tour my dad's home town of disentis. should be quite relaxing - drinking coffee and eating cheese fondue, going on walks on tiny trails behind the most beautiful and melodic cows (the bells, not the moos). in some ways, this is a celebration of sorts. cole has finished his didactic year of PA school. we have survived our first year together. as of august 18th, we have lived together for one month and lived to tell the tale. and in some ways this is a brace-yourself-for-the-next-year trip. cole starts rotations all over the state when we return and i head back to the grind. what a summer it has been!



i haven't written here much. i'm not sure if it's been because i was unmotivated or too busy. perhaps uninspired by my patients and or experiences here. my favorite patient, the saline gal, well... i have good news about her. i sent her home about three weeks ago. i walked her out to the garage myself. the first breath of fresh air was shocking and tearful. and my very biggest hope is that she only gets better each day!

moving day!

yesterday was a strange work day in the very best way...

i got standby at 9:30!  the charge nurse, who is a friend of mine, decided we were overstaffed and that if i wanted, i could leave work, be on-call, and then return at 3:00 when we would become understaffed.  of course, i would have to pick up different patients at 3 (which meant losing my favorite 27 year old gal).  but it was worth it for me.  her response, "you can't go" said with a wine.  and then a "good luck with the move christa."

cole was going to do the walk-thru and get our keys to our very first place together ALONE.  and of course, i was sad about it.  but in all this moving debacle, i am learning, going with the flow is often best.  i am not good at going with the flow.  it is most definitely something i need to work on.  and today especially, as i have movers heaving my most precious belongings and wheeling greasy handtrucks on my beige carpet, i must breathe in and out.  and let go of all control.

getting the keys together to our place was perfect.  our new space, minus all of our belongings, looks very nice and peaceful (in a few hours, it's going to look like a disaster zone).  and cole and i shared fun conversations and kisses.

and at 3, it was back to work.  i cared for two grumpy men who were uninterested in seeing me.  which was perfect.  because i was too tired and hyper (at the same time, if you can believe that) to be my best nurse self.  the shittiest part of a pretty decent day...

when i went to say goodnight to my favorite patient, i discovered, she's sicker.  she has an infection in her lungs.  she's getting a bronchoscopy today - as i type.  and i know i'm attached when i would almost rather be at work caring for her than taking a day off.

do people die?

my 27 year old patient - the one who is afraid of saline and who i have grown much to attached to - asked me point blank this morning, "do people die here?"

considering we have the most deaths in the entire hospital and considering i frequently (well, certainly more than most people i know) wrap up bodies in plastic body bags, i didn't quite know how to respond.  sometimes i speak before i think...

this time i said, "well, this is a hospital.  of course people die here."  and then i quickly followed it up with, "but people i like don't get to think about dying.  they have to stay positive and do well."

suddenly, i felt unsupportive.  like maybe i had shut up my patient, just when she needed me the most.  so i sat down and asked, "why are you asking me?"

what proceeded was a very candid conversation followed by some tears.

and now, i only like her more.

more stress

i just need to vent a little...

i worked last tuesday, wednesday, and thursday.  and this week, i work monday, tuesday, and wednesday.  that's more than 72 hours in 9 days.

on friday, saturday, and sunday, i spent the majority of each day packing up the cumulation of my life, the condo where i have lived for more than 7 years (by myself).

and on thursday morning, at 9 AM, movers will arrive at my door.  thank god for them by the way.

but good god, this is stressful.

summer = stress

summer.

summer in seattle is beautiful.  for the few weeks that it lasts, i enjoy being outside and soaking up some sunshine.  i know it's good for my mind and my vitamin d levels.

but this summer.  i feel like i barely have time to breathe.

it doesn't help that this summer i am moving.  renting out my condo space.  volunteering one week of my time at a camp for developmentally disabled folks.  attending my first gay wedding (for a couple who has been together for more than 30+ years).  training for a 10k.  seeing every doctor i know for every body part that can get examined (why do i make doctor appointments for summer?).  and planning a trip to switzerland with cole to visit my dad's hometown.  oh, all the while working full time as a nurse.

not to mention, i am also supporting/loving a man who is moving.  who is sharing a living space with me (what is he thinking?!?).  who remains in school full time and is writing a thesis. who is planning a trip to switzerland.  who will be attending his first same-sex wedding.  and who, starting september, will have month long clinical rotations all over the state of washington.  first stop - yakima.  then - coupeville.  and finally - bellingham.  

this summer = stress.

one crane

this week i cared for a woman more than 100 days post her transplant.  she should have been on her way home, with her baby-but-new immune system.  but instead, she was flying home with her cancer in relapse, to die amidst palm trees and sunshine instead of in a strange city where it rains, even in summer.  my patient's niece was keeping my patient company when i walked into her room in the afternoon; she was meticulously folding paper cranes.  it's been a few years since i worked on my 1000 for our unit.  but as soon as i saw the tiny square paper, i HAD to fold one.  so i sat down with my new lady "friends" and folded a paper crane.  just 1 out of 1000.  i know it won't bring the luck my patient needs.  but i do hope it helps to bring some peace and a good death.