stagnant

i haven't written much lately.  i think i've been feeling disenchanted. burnt out. bored. depressed.  

yesterday i spent all day with a girlfriend.  in the almost seven years since we finished nursing school together, cassie has had oh i don't know, three or four different jobs.  she went back to school.  she's a nurse practitioner.  she's moved at least three times.  had twelve different hair-dos.  run thousands of miles - literally.  and is currently making over her life - for the umpteenth time.  just hearing about her life is exhausting and exhilarating and exciting! 

i'm not writing about cassie because i'm jealous.  although sometimes i am.  jealousy is the worst, ugliest quality.  

i'm writing and comparing myself to others because sometimes i feel stagnant.  unlike cassie, i've lived in the same place for seven years.  my hair is always the same - long and brown.  i've had one job.  and there are only two initials after my name.  

sometimes i feel like i'm supposed to do more, be more.  try something new, and different.  like bangs.  or being the private nurse of a plastic surgeon!  

but i'm bad at change.  in fact, i sort of hate it.  so, it's back to work tomorrow.  and the next day.  and on sunday and monday too.  

here's the good news.  i have a vacation coming up - next thursday.  guatemala, here i come.  with hospital hunk.  remember him?  i love that man.  i'm excited for sunshine.  vibrant colors at boisterous markets. parading crucified jesus's during easter week in antigua.  and time away from seattle, the MEDEX PA program, and cole's never, ending homework to-do list.  

traveling remains

check out this article here

i couldn't help but smile.

the trip of a lifetime.  one last hoorah!

souls

on tuesday, i watched my patient take her last breaths.  she had no family at her bedside.  she was all alone (other than for my presence).  and so i held her hand.  and watched her for several minutes.  to see if she was going to breathe one more time.  to see if i could see her soul leave her body.  but she never breathed again.  and i didn't see her soul leave her body.  but something happened to mine.  i can't name it.  but i felt proud of myself for staying with a woman when i was afraid.  and i felt alive even though i felt so sad.

a bit numb

this week, in one twelve hour shift, my unit had three deaths.  i think there is some strange fact - one person dies every eight seconds (and two more are born).  or something.  but, i'm pretty sure my unit filled the quota for the day in a small area.  or for seattle for that matter.  it sure seemed like a lot of loss.  i don't like to think that many people are suffering all at once - especially around me.

i'm back to precepting new graduate nurses again (even though i adamantly told my bosses i wouldn't ever do it again because of a certain incident with one of my nurse managers - check this out).  but, what can i say?  i'm a pushover.  anyway, as part of a new nurse's six week orientation, if the opportunity arises, i always make her participate in post-mortem care.  most new nurses have never seen a dead body.  most shake in their danskos a bit.  and i walk them through it.  explain that i think it's an honor to participate in someone's last bath.  and if someone has to wrap a human body in a plastic body bag, then you better believe, i want to do it and i am going to do it with respect.

so, two new nurses, one seasoned male nurse (with a big heart and eyes that well up, even when he doesn't want them to), and i bathed a patient who had been on our unit for months.  he had died a few hours before, peacefully, planned, on a morphine drip.  each of us had cared for him before.  he was a nice man.  kind.  quiet.  strong.  and we completed our task with respect and dignity.

however, without thinking too much about it, i assumed it would be my only intimate experience with death that day.  i was wrong. 

a few hours later in the day, i answered the call light of a patient.  she was not my patient.  but her nurse had asked if i could help her.  the patient's pain pump was beeping and she was busy.  so, as i messed with the pump and quieted the noise, i heard the patient rattle...  the death rattle.  that's what nurses call it.  you know it when you hear it.  it doesn't sound good.  there is some struggle in it.  and surrounding loved ones usually panic.  typically you wait for another one to come.  sporadically.  not nearly as often as regular breaths.  but this time, nothing followed.  surrounded by her sister, son, and very best friend, i witnessed the last breath of a complete stranger.  there were questions and instant sobs.  "is she gone" her son wailed.  "i think so," i said quietly, holding her hand.

ironically, a chaplain had followed me into the room moments prior.  and so with her, we consoled the family.  it was gut-wrenching and amazing all at once.  her son began to panic; the 35 year old grown man began to hyperventilate.  i told him to take my place, to take his mother's hand from my hand and to be with her as she passed.  i assured him that both she and he would be okay.  "i know," he said. 

i stayed for a few minutes.  long enough to know the woman was loved.  that she was amazing.  and irreplaceable.  and the world will never be the same without her.

i came home from work that night.  a bit numb.  one more patient had passed, close to change of shift.

what does one do to recover from such a day?  i'm not a drinker.  but if i was, i just might have had a few. 

maternity leave starts today

i'm bummed.  nursing just became a little harder and a bit more dull.  my bff (marian's debut blogpost) just discovered today that she is on pseudo bedrest.  she is due march 5th; but because her little girly is measuring VERY TINY, they are suggesting she stop working as a nurse - it's not like it's the easiest, most relaxing job.  marian has worked just as diligently her entire pregnancy as she did before she got knocked up.  and she's entertained me just as "hard" (that's a word she uses - all the time).  somehow, the days i work with marian are easier and more fun.  tomorrow starts marian's SEVEN months of maternity leave.  wish her luck.  i'll need some too - just to get through the 84 twelve hour shifts without her!  

liver transplant

one day this week, i was walking in to work.  i was probably rushing, running a few minutes late.  UW has one of the longest hallways in the nation.  and by the end of it, i'm usually sweating and grumpy, not wanting to be at work at 6:54 AM.  but i couldn't help but smile and feel privileged to work in medicine when i heard a man checking in at the information desk.  he was speaking with the volunteer front desk staff (who i know is a heart transplant survivor; he wears a mask and when i was doing my clinicals at UW while in nursing school, i spoke with him).  the patient said, "i'm checking in for my liver transplant.  the man on the phone this morning told me you'd be able to direct me."  it was serendipitous that i heard this interaction.  i could have been 10 minutes earlier or 5 seconds later.  but witnessing miracles in my place of work made me feel excited to be a nurse.  excited to provide care to sick people.  excited to participate in miracles.

eat your heart out

happy new year...

welcome to 2013!

i had planned on writing some inspiring post to start the new year; to re-ignite my passion for writing and nursing.  but instead, i have to share something totally insignificant (albeit hilarious).  i may have heard the best quote of the year, and it's only january 3rd.

my 380 pound patient, after having hallucinations about kanye west, said in a funny voice - "i'd like to eat dinner off of lil kim's ass!"  i don't know exactly what she meant by that.  i don't know if she actually meant to say it in front of me.  but it was all i could to do leave the room without cackling to myself. 

eat your heart out my sweet patient!